FUN WITH HYPNOSIS
HOW TO SECRETLY HYPNOTIZE THE BOSS
Yeah, right… pigs might fly, you say!
Wouldn’t it be great to get that raise you deserve? (even though you’re a slacker and really only deserve a pay cut)
Wouldn’t it be great to sleep in and still be greeted warmly by the boss when you finally arrive at work? (even though he currently detests the very sight of you, any time of the day)
Wouldn’t it be great to be truly appreciated by the boss for all you contribute to the company? (even though this actually only extends to collecting staff raffle money on Fridays)
What if I was to tell you that it’s not only possible to secretly hypnotize the boss, but that it is easily achieved?
What if I was to tell you that I’m going to share the technique with you right here and now?
OK, you say, I’ll humour you. What do I have to do?
Well, it is easy but it’s also a 4 week process (good things take time)
Week One:
Make a concentrated study of your boss. Make notes on what he/she wears to work. What colors does he favor? (Yeah, I know – how many different shades of black are there?)
Note his way of walking/sitting, hand movements, facial tics, usual look on his face (apart from when he’s looking at you).
Take copious notes.
Week Two: (Preparation week)
Go out and buy new clothes – all similar to what you observed your boss wears. (Hint: cheap imitations are fine)
Practise how your boss walks and talks, unusual habits etc. (Hint: a slight limp or tendency to swagger is fine but don’t overdo it)
Practise staring at inanimate objects for long periods of time (Hint: staring at your work computer is ideal – lets face it, that’s what you normally do anyway isn’t it!)
Week Three: (Putting it together)
Monday/Tuesday – wear your new clothes to work every day. Smile a lot (especially at the boss) and walk and talk in your new practiced manner. Don’t concern yourself with doing much work, just make sure the boss catches sight of you frequently.
Wednesday/Thursday – speak a little more affectedly, deeper in tone and exaggerate your ‘boss-walk’ a bit. Smile and wave to the boss whenever you spot him.
Thursday/Friday – Try and attract your boss’s attention occasionally and give him the stare you practiced earlier (don’t worry if he appears slightly bewildered by this) Make an appointment to see him late on Monday afternoon next week
Week Four: (In like Flint)
Monday - Meet with your boss late afternoon. (This is the best time because your boss is probably feeling tired but you’re still fresh (because you have only done your usual day’s work))
Sit directly in front of the boss and give him ‘the stare’. Use these exact words, speak slowly, as deeply as you can, but still in your ‘boss-voice’:
“Marvin…. I want to speak to you. I know you’ve had a tiring day, so to fully appreciate what I want to say I recommend you take several deep breaths…..
That must feel more relaxing Marvin… What I suggest you do now to relax even further is to slowly count backwards from 100 and at the same time stare at that spot on the end of your nose.........
That’s the idea Marvin, notice how much more relaxed you feel!
Now, Marvin, hold on to that relaxation, keep counting backwards and imagine that spot on your nose getting bigger and bigger. While you’re doing that, I want you to take this pen and sign this bit of paper and with each letter you write you will feel more and more pleasantly relaxed.”
That’s it folks! Just make sure the bit of paper bears the company letterhead and authorizes you to a large salary increase. Oh, one other thing, best to use the boss’s actual name if it’s not Marvin.
P.S. This technique has never been known to fail. (Well, hardly ever.)
PET HYPNOSIS
We have a dog. It is a Bichon Frise called Lucy. We call her Lucy because that’s the name we gave her.
Lucy, like all Bichons, is a highly intelligent animal, second only to dolphins in brainpower, so I’m led to believe.
Recently I came across an interesting article that propounded the view that it is just as easy to hypnotize an animal as it is a human, and especially easy if the animal happens to be your pet. The method on how to achieve this though was unfortunately rather sketchy on details.
“Well,” I rationalised, “I guess that it should be possible to hypnotize animals. What with all the horse, dog, and gold-fish whispering going on these days, there’s gotta be something in it.”
I discussed this hypnosis thing with Lucy. She turned round three times, wriggled her bottom disdainfully and settled herself comfortably on the sofa. I didn’t take this as an outright rejection of the hypnosis idea, but obviously it didn’t fire her up with much enthusiasm either.
Not being prone to give-up-easily is one of my assets, so I decided to give some serious thought as to how I might possibly hypnotize young Lucy and what benefits might accrue.
I came up with the following plan:
1. Feed, walk and toilet Lucy first. All of these would be essential first steps in settling her.
2. Feed, walk and toilet myself. (I, too, would need to be totally settled.)
3. Get her in a quiet spot. (but probably best not in her favourite spot on the sofa.)
4. Talk to her in soothing tones about bones, chicken, sleeping and other similar important dog matters whilst fixing her in the eyes with a steely gaze.
5. When I have her full attention, lasting for at least a minute, make slow, rhythmic hand passes in front of her face.
6. Begin giving her some simple commands, like “Sit”, “Stay” or similar commands that she doesn’t normally obey.
6. Observe the results.
A simple plan, simple in concept and simple in its execution. Or so I thought…
On Saturday morning, after carefully reviewing my plan, I decided to give pet hypnosis a shot.
Step 1 was easy. Yummy Brix sprinkled with bacon bits, a quick walk around the block, pausing only briefly for numerous pees against neighbour’s letter-boxes and a voluminous poo. And then it was Lucy’s turn. (No, just kidding.)
We then got comfortable on the sofa. (First mistake). In the blink of an eyelid, Lucy fell asleep. Undeterred by the fact I couldn’t thereby employ the steely gaze I’d been practicing, I began the soothing talk I had prepared anyway. Lucy flickered her eyelids several times at the mention of chicken and sausage but otherwise seemed impervious to my dulcet tones.
I quickly moved onto the next step. Slow, rhythmic hand passes in front of her face. (Second mistake). Lucy, acting in only the manner that another dog could comprehend, suddenly seemed to sense that something untoward was happening or was about to happen. She briefly opened her eyes and playfully nipped my left hand as it was passing by her left nostril.
Unfortunately,that brought my initial foray into pet hypnosis to a sudden and abrupt end. I intend pursuing the matter of pet hypnosis further though, as soon as my hand has healed and I get feeling back in my fingers.
Maybe Madeleine, our two-headed goldfish or Colin the cat, might be better choices…
HOW TO PICK UP WOMEN USING HYPNOSIS
The simplest, and out and out best way to do this, is in 4 stages:
1. Get a few drinks under your belt. Five is suggested. This is just as a loosener. (Hint: Don’t have more than six though, as your hypnotic powers may become somewhat compromised.)
2. Attract her attention. (For a start, just work on one girl at a time.) This can be done in just about any way whatsoever. Just get her to acknowledge your existence!
Some suggested methods of how you could do this: (preferably carried out in reasonable proximity to the lucky lass)
Strip down to your underwear and run around in small circles singing ‘I’ve got a lovely bunch of coconuts.” (Highly recommended, as this will certainly arouse her curiosity, but it may well attract other unsolicited attention as well.)
Start jumping up and down as high as you can in Masai warrior fashion. (Your athleticism is sure to impress her, if nothing else.)
Recite a few verses of very bad poetry in a loud voice. (‘Bridge over the River Tay’ by Ireland’s William McGonagall would be a good choice. This will invoke her sympathy. (Hint: don’t recite too many verses though or she will most likely hit you.)
There are literally thousands of other equally subtle actions you could take-
JUST GET YOURSELF NOTICED!!!
3. Step up to the mark and look deeply into her eyes. No, really, look DEEP into her eyes. 
4. Repeat the following, word for word (these words are especially chosen to have both a hypnotic and spiritual effect) :
“I want you, I want you to listen to what I have to say to you. Look into my eyes, they shine for you and only for you. Your eyes are limpid cesspools of moonlight, melting deep into my soul. Keep looking into my eyes, for mine eyes have seen the glory of the coming of the lord. Your eyes are getting very heavy now as you continue to look deeply into my eyes. You feel an overwhelming desire to close your eyes and sleep, yes, sleep, to sleep with me.”
(Now at this stage, I admit there is a slight chance she may snap out her erstwhile semi-hypnotic state and slap your face. DO NOT BE PUT OFF BY THIS! Treat this as merely a minor setback and move on to the next woman (preferably slightly less attractive and a little drunker if possible)
Either start over or continue as follows … “ I want you, I want you to close your eyes now and relax. Relax completely from the top of your head right down to your toes. That’s right, just let go of all tension from that beauteous face, those slender arms, that lovely body, those gorgeous legs, and those cute little toes. Feel how wonderful it is to completely relax.
Now I am going to count down from 10 to 0, and, with each number, your relaxation will double. By the time I get to 0 you will be so relaxed that you will just fall into my waiting arms.” Now, that should just about get you to a stage where you can begin to improvise as your fancy takes you. However, be warned. Do not get too carried away with your suggestions, or chances are that your subject will immediately come out of her trance and whack you one with her handbag.
Give it a go! I would be somewhat interested to hear how you get on, but not overly interested as you could cramp my style.
DENTAL HYPNOSIS
Many people, maybe even the majority of people, have a fear of going to the dentist. For older people, (50 plus) the fear is actually well-founded.
Such folk can all too easily recall in their childhood when they sat in the dentist’s chair gripping its sides tightly while the dentist ponderously dug a slowly rotating drill into their teeth with what seemed all their might. An excruciatingly painful procedure forever etched into the mind.
For such people, and many others, the fear of visiting the dentist results in them putting off the inevitable as long as possible. They will tolerate nagging toothache for as long as humanly possible until, at last, they cannot stand it for a moment longer and make the dreaded appointment. Unfortunately, often by this time, the tooth, or teeth, may well be past saving.
Today, of course, dentistry involves the use of high-speed drills, quick-acting injections and when performed by a competent dentist, is largely pain-free. However, the anxiety, fear, stress and tension can remain very real to some folk.
Hypnosis is a recognized method of allaying such fears and also substantially reducing experience of pain and recovery time. Many dentists nowadays employ hypnosis to make their patients more at ease.
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I went to the dentist the other day. Nothing unusual about that. However, a number of factors combined to render this experience a bit on the unusual side.
Factor 1: I have an ongoing fascination with hypnosis, hypnotherapy, hypnotism, hypnology ( hypno-anything in fact, to be perfectly frank.)
Factor 2: I don’t have an ongoing fascination with dentalosis, dentalotherapy, dentalism, dentalology (or dental-anything, to be perfectly richard.)
Factor 3: It was a very hot day, totally draining of energy and willpower on man and beast alike.
Factor 4: It was a late-in-the-day appointment and my dentologist, George, (I’ll call him that, because that’s his job and name) had had an exhausting day and was ‘a bit buggered actually.’(his words)
I perched on the chair and engaged George in a bit of light-hearted banter, just to let him know that I was not in the slightest bit concerned about the impending assault he was about to launch on me.
On command, I bravely opened my mouth, not as wide as George would have liked, but as wide as I was prepared to concede, and prepared for the worst. Pretty standard visit to George at this stage.
It was about then that I started to ponder, as any budding hypnotist does, on what the application of a little hypnosis to my current situation might produce. Or, more interestingly, I pondered, what the application of a little hypnosis to George might produce. Out of curiosity, I decided to give the latter ponder a go.
“George,” I said, “before you put all that expensive, state-of-the-art equipment inside my mouth, are you aware that 99% of all pain felt by dental patients exists only in their mind?” George mumbled something noncommittal so I doggedly continued…”George, as an example of the power of the mind, did you also know that if you close your eyes and then pretend you can’t open them, then, amazingly, as long as you keep pretending, you actually won’t be able to open them?” George responded by yawning and changing his drill size to Mega. “George,” I labored, “just before you continue, humor me, just try what I said for a few seconds.” Sighing, in a somewhat condescending manner, but still acquiescing, George fleetingly closed his eyes. “Now,” I said, pretend you can’t open your eyes. Now, still pretending you can’t open your eyes, try and open them. As long as you keep pretending, you’ll find you can’t.” Well, at this point George was already well out of it. He was already ‘buggered’ and past caring, and to my trained eye, I noticed he was displaying all the classic signs of already being in a light trance.
Well, I won’t bore you to tears with the details, but suffice to say, I soon had our erstwhile dentician George totally induced into a deep hypnotic trance. I quickly followed up by adding some cunning suggestions, like, “Upon awakening, you will take extreme care and be as gentle as possible with your dental treatment of James, (that’s me) both today and at any other time in the future. You will always do the absolute minimum to keep his teeth in tip-top condition, and, what’s more, you will always charge him 50% less than the usual fee because he is such an exceptional patient.”
It worked like a treat, I had a rare, painless session and came home with change in my pocket. I’m already looking forward to my next visit to George.
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